You might have noticed that I’ve been quiet lately. At first, it was the result of a very busy season. In recent months, however, it oddly enough came from attending a writing conference, an event that I thought would inspire me. Suddenly, I mingled with a group of hundreds of accomplished writers, all of whom seemed to have stronger degrees and qualifications, published works, and great networks of connection and support. This strengthened a feeling that had already been growing in me–that anything important I had to say had already been said, and that others could say it far better than I.
Above all, the writers I met had more confidence, a quality that has long eluded me. I could go into all the reasons for this, primarily, I believe, a product of my upbringing, but we all have our own stories. Lately, it has struck me how much insecurity dominates my life and relationships, and I’ve been thinking more about how to overcome it. Perhaps, as singers Brandy Clark and Brandi Carlisle suggest, it’s time I said goodbye.
Dear insecurity–oh, we meet again
Don’t try to flirt with me, you’re not really my friend
But you take up half this bed, livin’ rent-free in my head
I was asked recently what it means to be alive and open, and my answer was to bring full awareness and focus to the present movement and the details, surroundings and people in front of you, secure. Yet I often feel far behind or ahead of the present moment–beyond that, I feel detached, as if not being IN the present fully will protect me somehow. Once again, I can trace this back to my upbringing. At what point though, will I realize that I’m safe and accepted? Am I willing to open myself to all that the present might offer?
It’s easy to regret the past and begrudge certain conditions within it, and yet, I’ve learned that one of the best ways to gain confidence is to go through hard experiences. I can’t remember where I read the article, so please forgive me for not quoting it, but new research shows that people who can draw on their experiences, remembering that they had the strength to meet specific challenges, are those who develop the greatest emotional resilience. Those who talk to themselves about the way they showed up positively in the past are those who can walk into a room with confidence, ready to meet a new one.
In her teaching entitled “Rewrite Your Narrative”, author Sarah Blondin, states:
“If we are not what we have done, not what our parents or others told us we were, not the things the world placed on us, who are we? We have inherited a pattern, a sound, and yet some part of us wants to live as if it were not beseiged…outside the box of this pattern and dance to the rhythm of its own heart. Can you hear a string being plucked, longing to make a song with you?”
I hear the string being plucked–in fact a whole melody, and I know that the One who loves me beyond my comprehension and has always sung His song over me. Although I thought I had done this work decades ago, I realize that once more I must direct my thoughts continually toward what is true, noble, pure, and praiseworthy, as the Apostle Paul encourages in Philippians 4:8. I must go deeper, rooting myself in Truth. The Psalmist, David, tells us that those who meditate on the Word of God day and night are “…like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers” (Psalm 1:3, NASB).
*Photo credits to LOVE DOES (lovedoes.org)
