Category: Choices

“Just As I Am/Tal Como Soy”

sparrowsong2 Comments

I can still remember the sound of my grandmother’s aged, beautiful, magical, and throaty voice singing the stanzas of the hymn “Just As I Am” as she washed dishes and looked out the window of her Wisconsin home. I was right at her side rinsing and drying, but as her gaze alternated between the items she scrubbed in the hot sudsy water and the trees outside, she was somewhere else entirely.

Perhaps this is why this hymn remains one of my favorites. It’s also one of the few remnants of my childhood piano lessons that I still play a crude version of on the piano. I’m no longer the small, innocent child standing at my beloved grandmother’s side, but a middle-aged adult who is much more familiar with all the highs and lows, success and failures that this roller-coaster of life brings us. The song now resonates with me for more reasons than nostalgic memory.

Written by Charlotte Elliott in 1835 and composed by William Bradbury, “Just As I Am” gained new popularity when Billy Graham used it consistently as the invitation hymn in his crusades. How appropriate, for it perfectly describes what it means to to see ourselves as sinners in need of grace, desperate for the pardon of a Holy God. We are humbled that God not only grants it, but sacrifices His beloved son to death on a cross so that we might receive it. 

This past summer, I had the words “Tal Como Soy”, the Spanish translation of “Just As I Am” tattooed on my arm to remind me of God’s grace and mercy, but also of His unconditional acceptance of me as His daughter, regardless of my shortcomings, mistakes, and circumstances.

In the past few years, I have known what it is to be rejected by close family and friends, simply for placing some much-needed boundaries in my life. This injured me at the deepest levels and has been enough to make me completely question my identity and perception of reality. Although I acted out of my personal conviction and understanding of God’s leading, as well as the results of everything learned in several years of therapy, these things weren’t enough to protect me from distorted versions of what happened or to help me escape harsh judgement. I attempted to take responsibility for my roles in these situations and to apologize, but those too seem to have disappeared into thin air. I’ve heard that boundaries can be described as the distance between which I can love both myself and another person well. Somehow, those I’ve been in conflict with missed seeing the love and health in the situation.

And so, the tattoo–to remind me daily that however I got here, I’m loved and accepted by my Savior just as I am.

Out of all the lullabies, songs and hymns that I have sung to my daughter at bedtime, “Just As I Am” has been one of her favorite requests over the past year. What a gift from God that I am so compelled to dwell, almost nightly, on the words. One of my favorite verses begins, “Just as I am though tossed about, with many a conflict, many a doubt.” How true, and yet these lead me through the journey of acceptance. I must learn to accept myself and my circumstances, and above all, accept how God sees me and the ways He is working.

Songwriter, singer, and worship pastor Jesús Adrian Romero has a beautiful song called “Tal Como Soy” (“Just As I Am”). In it he sings, “Just as I am, Lord. I have nothing to give but my heart” (My translation). How true. And so Lord, here is my battered, bruised, and misshapen heart. I’m all yours–do with me what you will.

“A Parachute of Love”

sparrowsong2 Comments

An old song by the King Cole Trio says, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return.” How true this is. It is indeed the greatest journey and learning experience of life. We were created out of love, and out of love we are sustained and made new. And yet, because of the broken world we live in and the difficult experiences we share, many of us struggle to accept or give love as we should.

I’ve often been told that the place to begin is to learn to love ourselves–to accept the infinite love God has for us. This LOVE was great enough for Him to send His only son to the cross to die for us, LOVE great enough to forgive us every mistake and flaw, LOVE that knew us and wanted a relationship with us before time began. I John 3:1 says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!”

My therapist recently suggested that a good exercise for me would be to look in the mirror at least once a day and say, “I love you.” to myself. I laughed when she said this because it sounded like such a silly idea to me, but said I would try it. Actually doing it was MUCH harder than I expected–I found myself sobbing in the mirror because I couldn’t say the words. At that point, I realized how much I needed this practice as a means of forgiving myself and all those who have not accepted or loved me as I needed. It’s a means of placing radical trust in God and the worth that He says I have in Him.

A former mentor once asked me how many people were allowed on who I am. With that question, I realized that I was allowing everyone a vote, that my worth could be easily shattered by the opinion of someone I barely knew. Twenty years later, I’m not sure how much I’ve grown. I probably don’t let strangers vote anymore, but I seem to allow almost everyone who knows me, be they friend or foe, some sort of say. Looking back, I can see the way God built me up with friends and mentors and encouragement in my early twenties, then  allowed me to be torn down again and stripped of all that approval in various ways. One day, I will learn that His approval is all that I need–His vote is the only one that truly counts.

Nathaniel Branden said, “Self-acceptance is my refusal to live in an adversarial relationship with myself.” Seeing it put that way, I’m aware of how often my thoughts are self-critical and how that really means that a state of civil war exists within me. In order to find peace, I must come to terms with all the bits that are hard to accept, with all the bits that others haven’t liked, with both my humanity and my divinity. I must, as William Stafford said, “…[weave] a parachute out of everything broken.” As the band Macaco sings in one of my favorite songs “Un Mundo Roto/A Broken World”, I mustn’t let this broken world destroy my smile.

One of my favorite authors, Leeanna Tankersley wrote something that captures my intention:

“A voice is whispering to me as I watch the river…let it happen. Let it happen to you. The losing, the finding, the falling apart, the coming back together. All of it. Sit very still. Keep breathing. And let it happen.”

We Serve…

sparrowsong3 Comments

Life is always such a glorious, yet difficult mix of things. I have a temperament that struggles with navigating these complexities. As my all time favorite literary and film character, Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea says, “I can’t help but soaring up on the wings of anticipation, only to come crashing down into the depths of despair.”  Whether because of innate personality or learned responses to experiences or both, I tend to ride the roller coaster of life feeling deeply every bump, climb, curve, and fall.

Recently, I’ve soared because I was granted a home in the town that I love. The ability to sign its contract came about through several miraculous events. My friends’ extreme generosity in assisting with the total cost ultimately made it possible for a single mother and teacher to live in an expensive mountain town. The amount of money needed was inconceivable to me, so I feel very blessed and grateful to be able to raise my daughter here and stay in this community that I’ve loved for over a decade and a half.

At the same time that this came about, I’ve been extremely physically sick and have also needed to walk through more of the complex and weighty realities of divorce. Allowing my toddler to spend the night with her dad and away from me feels as if a piece of me is literally missing. Although I know I played a role, I had no control over so many realities that brought us to this place, and there are so many things in the present and the future that I am also unable to control. For myself, that is one thing, but when it impacts my child, it is quite another.

Yet to all my joy and worries and fears and complaints, a very dear friend responded simply, “We serve a God who is in charge of all things.” I must admit that her response felt a little callous. Deep down, I knew she wasn’t being dismissive of my pain. As a devoted mother, compassionate friend, and faithful follower of Christ, I knew she empathized with my struggles. It felt extremely difficult, however, to hear this hard truth shared in response to my heartbreak. I imagine the twelve disciples often felt this way when Jesus shared life-shattering truths with them. Yet how could He offer anything other than Himself? 

I know that many people experience much more difficult things than I have, awful things that defy my comprehension and cause most people to deny that God is at work for their good. I don’t know how to explain those events nor all the circumstances in my life that have worn and torn out my heart. 

But we serve God, He does not serve us, for He is God and we are not. In His supreme, complicated, and glorious sovereignty, it is He who permits, and orders all things. No matter how awful or hard it feels, we must trust that it is God who is shaping us, who is constantly simultaneously at work for our good and for His glory. 

As Bebo Norman wrote and sang in THE HAMMER HOLDS, 

“So dream a little dream for me in hopes that I’ll remain. 

And cry a little cry for me, so I can bear the pain…. 

My dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds.”

“To Soar on Shifting Sand”

sparrowsongLeave a comment

I’m a big fan of the WILLOW TREE figurines by Susan Lordi. Though they’re produced en masse, the originals are simple wood sculptures of people or angels that capture much of the range of human emotion. My favorite is called “SOAR” and features a woman with her joyful face angled towards the heavens, her arms stretched out wide, birds resting upon them.

I bought this figurine a few years ago in a season when I yearned to experience such freedom and needed the daily visual reminder that it was possible to soar. Over the last year, as my bird-loving toddler grows, “SOAR” has unfortunately taken quite a beating. I feel sad when I look at SOAR now, scratched and bruised, missing a hand and one bird, other birds replaced by glue. It feels like I’m in a similar condition. It’s easy to imagine I’m broken beyond repair, grounded for life, or unworthy of public viewing. And yet, I also note that despite how SOAR has been beaten and bruised, her arms are still raised, her face ever victorious and turned towards the sun.

In her book RISING STRONG, author Brené Brown discusses the concept that our culture is one that can value failure IF it leads to victory, but that we also easily gloss over the feelings of defeat, frustration, angst, loneliness, and struggle that so often accompany failure. We often forget that this is a place many of us stay in for a season or seasons, but that it is possible to rise up strong from it. I’m trying to have faith that I can do so too.

Early on in my adult life, I thought of myself as a person of strong faith. Although it was clear I didn’t have the mustard seed size required to move mountains (Matthew 17:20), it felt possible to eventually grow to that level. All it has taken, however, is a series of many trials over the years to knock the wind out of me. I know now that my faith is either non-existent or infinitesimally small. Like the SOAR and Moses, my arms have grown weak and weary and I have often needed others to hold them up. The friends who have done so are a big part of why I’m still holding on in the times when I can’t discern God’s hand or purpose.

If faith “…is like shifting sand, changed by every wave…” as the band Caedmon’s Call sings, perhaps the waves that continue to crash in can continue to shape it and make it something new, something pure and refined, something that isn’t mine at all. As Hebrews 12 says, God is “…the author and perfector of my faith.” Will He ultimately make it full and complete? The apostle Peter also tells us, “But this happened so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, may be found perfect and complete” (I Peter 1:7).

The final word on this subject for me, however, was written by the prophet Isaiah: 

“Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary.” Isaiah 40: 27-31

 “Dancing”–

sparrowsong2 Comments

I’ve long viewed my relationship with God as a dance. Early in my life, He held out His hand to me in invitation. I often picture the scene in the old Disney cartoon ALADDIN where Aladdin rides up to Jazmine on his magic carpet, holds out his hand to her, and asks, “Do you trust me?” She looks at him, questioning if she can, then decides she will. She  jumps on for a ride that leads her to “A Whole New World.”

I’ve returned to that moment over and over in my journey of faith. In the beginning, I naively jumped on without questioning, assuming it would be easy to trust and ride. At many other points, wondering if I could still handle the wild ride or disliking where the journey took me, I nearly jumped off and withdrew my hand. Despite often needing to trust God’s heart when I haven’t been able to see His hand or face, despite struggling to do so at several points, I know His invitation stands. Indeed, partnered with Him, I have seen sights I never could have expected otherwise.

A wallflower to my core, it’s a wonder that He chose me. God sees the most unlovely, clumsy, and broken parts and continues to choose me. As I took Hook His hand, He brought me out of my shell and brought a smile to my face. He led and guided confidently when I didn’t know a single step or have any rhythm of my own. He taught me to ignore the crowd, close my eyes, and follow His lead. He allowed me to lean on Him and held me up when I grew weary. When I followed His lead, He made me look good. When I resisted and fought for my own way, I broke our rhythm and fell. Yet there He was to pick me up, time after time, and offer His hand again. And there’s nothing so beautiful or freeing as dancing with a good partner. 

A new song by Elevation Worship, called “Dancing,” captures this experience and the promise I returned to Him: 

“Dancing on the mountain of a victory; dancing on the valley of a broken dream;

Dancing on the plain of the in-between; If it’s you and me I won’t stop dancing.”

“Overwhelmed”—

sparrowsong1 Comment

If there is one word that describes the past year for me, it is overwhelmed. Like any year, it has held its highs and lows, yet the highs have been higher and the lows lower than most. 

I am loving watching my baby girl grow in her first year of life—there are so many moments where I’m overpowered by love and wonder for the miracle of her. Yet currently, I feel overwhelmed by a multitude of circumstances beyond my control—the loss of a beloved grandfather, struggles with my health, severe illness and surgery for a dear friend, challenges at work and at home, relationship difficulties, and a seemingly futile effort to balance everything well all attempt to prevent me from enjoying this season as I would wish. 

As much as I hate to admit and face learning this truth again, however, I still have a choice in my response to these circumstances. As we all know, the attitude we choose each day ultimately dictates the tone and quality of our experiences.

In that vein, I must also acknowledge the many blessings present in my life, for I am also overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of friends. Dear loved ones have given of their wisdom, resources, time, presence, love, and empathy in this past year in life-sustaining ways. I’ve learned to rely on them. Their examples, generosity, and goodness have changed me.

I’m also overwhelmed by the goodness, grace, and presence of my loving and mighty God. I don’t often understand what He’s up to, but I do know He’s with me and that He fills me over and over again with His strength. As the band BIG DADDY WEAVE sings in their song OVERWHELMED, “I delight myself in You/Captivated by Your beauty/I’m overwhelmed….I’m overwhelmed by You.”

My prayer for this day and for this season is that I would allow myself to be emptied of all the negative emotions that tend to consume me and that I would use that space to be filled with all that is good. May wonder for our great God and His many blessings wash over all of us today.

“In Over My Head…”

sparrowsong3 Comments

In the old Sandra Bullock movie WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, the protagonist Lucy begins her narration by stating that her dad had told her as a child that life doesn’t always turn out the way you think it will. She wishes she had realized at the time he was referring to her life. Isn’t that the truth? We all hear similar counsel when we’re young, yet somehow believe our lives will be the exception to the rule. This reminds me of what an old gypsy proverb tells us, “We are ALL wanderers on this earth. Our hearts are full of laughter and our souls are deep with dreams.”

When life takes unpredictable turns or we choose the road less traveled and find that our path has led us in unexpected, even painful directions, disillusionment, even despair, can follow. What can we do with these overwhelming emotions except to look outside of ourselves for answers and peace? 

The only comfort I have found is in God. Though He didn’t promise an easy or predictable path, He did promise an abundant life full of His constant companionship and the strength He provides. Though my emotions and circumstances are constantly in flux, He never changes or wavers. There have been many times it’s been difficult to trust His hand, but He keeps drawing me in, assuring me of His heart and His tender care. Jenn Johnson of Bethel Music sings a song called “In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)” describing a similar journey of faith:

“And you crash over me, and

I’ve lost control but I’m free.

I’m going over, I’m in over my head.” 

These lyrics bring to my mind images and memories of swimming in the Caribbean ocean at high tide. As I head towards the surf and the tide crashes in, I’ll be lost and swept away if I try to fight. The more I’m willing to go with the tide and dive into its depths, however, surrendering to something stronger than myself, the better chance I have of getting to the other side. And on the other side, a view like none other awaits…a multi-colored horizon, a clean slate, a new beginning.

In “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever,” the band Delirious? sings,

“Over the mountains and the sea,

Your river runs with love for me,

And I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free.

I could sing of your love forever….”

The sea is His love. Up to now, I’ve done little more than dip my toes in its water or wade in ankle deep. Today, I wade in and surrender. I release my expectations of what life is or will be and cling to His strong arms. May His goodness lead me in over my head and to the other side.

“Walk Down This Mountain…”

sparrowsongLeave a comment

Though I walk each day on a flat country road, I live in a land of mountains and valleys. They parallel life for me—a life that is a journey, but one that feels like a roller coaster more often than not.

I make the arduous climb to the top of various mountain peaks, some of them relationship or personal struggles, others life or professional goals, and others various lessons or faith journeys. The reward is often a breathtaking vista and the wind in my hair—exuberant joy and renewed passion, even if only for a few moments in time.  These summit moments might be among my favorite memories, but mountain peaks are cold, dangerous, and lonely places to dwell. It’s hard to stay there. Eventually, I must descend.

I walk down mountains, knowing that my journey will end with a return to valleys. Often, my heart and mind and body feel weary and dread the new low valley experiences, the new climb that will need to be made before I can summit again. 

Third Day, one of my favorite bands, has a song called “Mountain of God.” In it, author and lead singer Mac Powell says, “I thought that I was all alone, helpless and afraid, but You are there with me—You are there with me.” In the chorus, he continues,

“Even though the journey’s long, and I know the road is hard,

Well the One who goes before me, He will help me carry on.

After all that I’ve been through, now I realize the truth,

That I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.”

As the song implies, the valley experiences are necessary to prepare us for climbing and summiting mountains. In the valley, it’s easy to feel we are alone. By the time we reach the mountaintop, having made our way through the clouds, we know we have been accompanied all along. Despite difficulty, we were never abandoned. Through the journey, we learned, grew stronger, realized the depth of our hunger for relationship and growth, and eventually, we were rewarded. The panoramic view that filled our senese at the peak also gave us the companionship and understanding we longed for and a vision for the future. Even more, it filled us with confidence that we are in fact, strong enough to be equal to such journeys. What we’ve done before, we can do again. God has been faithful before and He will be again.

So there’s no need to fear the next valley or climb. We must bolster our own hearts, as Julian of Norwich did when she said, “All is well…and all manner of things shall be well.” As Bebo Norman sings, we can…

“Walk down this mountain with your heart held high. 

Follow in the footsteps of your Maker. 

And with this love that’s gone before you and these people at your side, 

You offer up your broken cup. 

You will find the meaning of true life.”

This Moment…

sparrowsongLeave a comment

This moment, I’m struggling to be here now. My thoughts, as usual, are running quickly ahead of me, attempting to rush me on to the next place and the next phase, all without allowing me to slow down and arrive in the place that I’m in. So slow down, beloved. It’s up to you to choose.

As Thoreau said, “Live in each season as it passes.” I slow, remembering that haste makes waste, attempting to be mindful of simple pleasures—washing my hands w/ sweet smelling soap and hot water, a pleasure around seventy percent of the world doesn’t have. I take in the beautiful fall colors as I walk—stunning hues of browns, golds, and reds in the tundra and trees. I breathe in the cool fall air and autumn scents. I thank God for the breath and life he gives, for legs that move and walk and a body that allows me to get out of bed and outdoors each day.

This moment…this moment…is a gift. Each holds possibilities of wonder and joy, or perhaps sorrow or grief. As most often happens, each will hold a mix of things. I have no control over what the next moment may hold, but I do have the power to accept and embrace it—to allow myself to experience it, come what may. If I don’t allow fear to rule me regarding the many difficulties that may come, I may find I am more equal to greeting them. I may encounter a greater capacity for celebrating and enjoying the good ones—abandoned to joy instead of holding some space for anxiety of the future or regret for the past. The ability to be present will fill me, recharge me, strengthen me.

There is so much my mind, heart, and body are holding at any given moment, especially at this season of life—family, finances, relationships, work, and a pandemic world struggling with conflict. Balance feels elusive. If I look around at others, it’s easy to feel they have it mastered, but most people freely admit they struggle too. What would it feel like to let go…to release the burden of trying to measure up and figure it all out? This is the ideal, yet something I’m not sure I know how to do. “God, give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference” (Serenity Prayer).
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called  the present.” May I live this day with the knowledge and acceptance of the gift of every moment. And moment by moment, may I live this day. As the wonderful Celtic poet John O’Donohue said, “May I live this day/Compassionate of heart/Clear in word/Gracious in awareness/Generous in love.”

Leave Them Better…

sparrowsong1 Comment

Henry Van Dyke once said, “There is a loftier ambition than merely to stand high in the world. It is to stoop down & lift man up a little higher.” How easy it is to get caught up in the enticing busyness of everyday living. Though we may not set out to “stand high in the world,” in the end, the effort to “keep up” can be self-consuming. 

And yet, need is always in the world around us. If we take time to look into the faces around us, to truly see people, we find a world muddling through various desperate circumstances. Empathy, compassion, and generosity are there in many individually, but relatively speaking, they are still in short supply. Ian Maclaren once said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Though the struggle is different for each one of us and varies in different seasons of our lives, it is there for all of us nonetheless.

A colleague reminded me recently that although I’m a perfectionist, it’s okay to let go sometimes. In this crazy COVID world we’re all currently experiencing, to slow down and be present with kids is one of the best gifts we can give them. The same is true for adult needs as well.

In her book, WHEN THINGS FALL APART, Pema Chödrön suggests that one way to relieve our own suffering is to face it, recognizing it for what it is instead of running away from it and allowing it to rule us. In our willingness to face this pain, we can begin to focus on others in the world who might face the same difficulty and emotions. As we awaken to the suffering of others and wish for improvement and relief for all, we can begin to spread contagious compassion and empathy. 

Mother Teresa once said, “Let no one come to you without leaving him better.” What a great reminder, a wonderful intention to set. It’s another way of saying I must learn to keep judgement from my heart and  love my neighbor as myself. Today, I choose to open my eyes, remove them from myself, and focus on others. Albert Schweitzer said, “Until he extends his circle of compassion to include all living things, man will not himself find peace.” I will need to choose this attitude over and over again. Each time that I practice, it will become easier to leave others better after our encounters. I can be a small part of making peace on earth with my own two hands.