Category: Surrender

Defined: Adequate or Inadequate?

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I am a teacher. This is how I’ve defined myself most of my adult life. It’s become not just an occupation, or even a vocation, but also an integral part of my identity. That wasn’t my intention of course, but unwittingly, it’s the identity I chose. Perhaps it’s because I’m single and “my kids” have been just that to me; perhaps it’s the tendency we all have, particularly as westerners and Americans, to let what we do define us. I’m reminded of an English movie I saw recently where two strangers meet and one asks the other, “And what do you do?” The new acquaintance responds, “My, aren’t you sounding American.” In any case, though our actions always speak the truth of our characters, and however much we are shaped by the icebergs of culture around us, I can’t let my career define me.

 

I’ve come up against this rather startlingly in recent months when it became obvious that I was no longer serving or caring for my students as their teacher should, primarily because of health challenges. Leaving teaching behind is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. To be honest, I guess I would say I feel a little groundless now, particularly in responding to the questions that characterize dinner parties.  My aunt has always wisely said it took her a long time to learn we are called human beings and not human doings for a reason. Just why is it so scary for us to offer up ourselves as we are without listing what we are doing and accomplishing? For me at least, it feels insufficient. But God says to me that He has made me sufficient. As Marilynne Robinson once wrote, and as quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate; our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. You say, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God! Your playing small does not serve the world….and as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously liberate others to do the same.”

I am a child of God, defined only by how He views me: totally right with Him, completely accepted as I am, utterly worthy of dignity and delight. I’m clinging to that these days, trying to learn to see myself through His eyes.

“But Even If You Don’t…”

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An inspiring story I’ve loved since childhood is that of the three Jewish boys, Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego, who accompanied Daniel to the palace of the Babylonian king, Nebuchadnezzar. True to the prophecy of Jeremiah, God had allowed Babylon to lay siege to Jerusalem, and though a remnant remained, the majority of the Israelites were living in Babylon and exile. These four young boys, exemplifying the best of the tribes of Israel, modeled living faithful to God, despite their captivity. When they refused to worship the image of gold cast and commanded by Nebuchadnezzar, they were condemned to death, and thrown into a fiery furnace. They remained unburned and walked out alive. Their miraculous rescue, and the appearance of a fourth man in the furnace with them, is one of the great stories of scripture.

 

My favorite part, however, is their unwavering trust in the sovereignty of God, whether or not He did as they wanted. In Daniel 3:16-18, they respond to the king with this statement: “O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

 

I want God to heal me, to provide for me, to work miracles in my life…and I pray for faith to believe in Him for all this. But…even if…He does not…I still want to trust Him. I do trust Him. Mercy Me recently published a song called “Even If” that tells this story and proclaims this same largeness of faith and trust:

 

“It’s easy to sing

When there’s nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I’m held to the flame

Like I am right now

I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul”

“A Whole New World: Will You Trust Me?”

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However large and spacious is the place we call home, there’s always a great big world out there. In the classic Disney movie Aladdin, the turning point comes when Aladdin flies up on his new magic carpet to Jasmine’s window & invites her to take a ride w/ him. Although she obviously wants to go, she questions if it’s safe, & he…well, he holds out his hand to her, & asks if she’ll trust him. After a moment of hesitation she accepts the hand & adventure offered, hops on, & the rest is history! “A Whole New World” awaits.

 

Each time God invites me off on a new adventure, I find myself feeling as though I’m in Jasmine’s shoes, & my Lord has asked me Aladdin’s question: “Do you trust me?”

 

What can I do besides smile & give Him my hand & heart & obedience. The rides He takes me on never disappoint, & multiple times, I’ve been exposed to a whole new world, a whole new way of living, a whole new level of trust. It calls to mind an old poem by an unknown author:

 

“It isn’t that I cling to Him, or struggle to be blessed. He simply takes my hand in His, & there I let it rest. So I dread not any pathway, fear to sail on any sea, since the handclasp of my Savior makes the journey safe for me.”

“Jesus, I Am Resting”…

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”Jesus, I am resting, in the joy of what Thou art. I am finding out the measure of Thy loving heart. Thou hast bid’st me gaze upon Thee, and Thy beauty fills my soul, for by Thy transforming power, Thou hast made me whole” (Pigott, Jean; “Jesus, I Am Resting”). This is the first chorus of the famed nineteenth century missionary to China, & founder of the transformative China Inland Mission group,  Hudson Taylor. In the face of grief, after losing his beloved wife, having long suffered heavy criticism and isolation, he wrote to his sister in England that these words were his greatest source of comfort. How difficult it is to be still and to rest in the sovereignty and presence of God, when He has allowed the one you most love to leave your side.

 

I’ve recently made a very personal, and yet public, decision to leave a ten-year career as a public school teacher because of my health. In so doing, I gave up any hope that my life could be easily understood by others looking in from the outside. I’ve been so blessed that there are many family and friends who understand or empathize the intensity of the process I am in, and who have offered me shelter and respite. It feels a bit like I’ve taken a giant leap off a cliff, and mercifully landed on a spacious precipice, but with the vast unknown still before me. I can’t see the next steps, the future is still completely unknown, and yet…it is here, in this place, today, that I must learn to rest. Deuteronomy 33:27 says, “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” They seem to echo the following verses of this great hymn, and prompt me to fix my gaze on God alone:

 

“Simply trusting Thee Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art,

and Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart.

Satisfies its every longing, meets, supplies, its every need.

Compasseth me round with blessings, Thine is love indeed.

Ever fix my gaze upon Thee, as I work and watch for Thee.

Resting ‘neath Thy smile Lord Jesus, earth’s dark shadows flee.

Sunshine of my Father’s glory, brightness of my Father’s face.

Keep my ever resting, trusting, Fill me with Thy grace.”

“Prepare to Be Surprised”…

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In the movie Dan In Real Life, Dan is a dad considering what to say to his daughter as she graduates from high school & heads out into the world. As he does so, he starts to examine his own life, & how often it surprised him, or failed to meet any of his expectations.  So, why is it that we’re always asking graduates what their “plans” are? Why do we try so hard to prepare for what’s coming, when in reality, we know there is no adequate preparation? Whatever happens will probably come as pretty much…a total surprise.  While plans & dreams can be great things, our expectations of what we think our lives are supposed to look like so often constrain & disappoint us. We often hold these visions so firmly, & cling so tightly, that it makes it difficult for our hands to be open to other great things God has intended for us.

 

Corrie Ten Boom, survivor of the Holocaust & author of The Hiding Place, said it this way: “I’ve learned to hold things loosely.  I don’t like it when He has to pry them from my grip.”  Living a surrendered life is not easy, but it IS what God call us to do, & it must be done over & over again.  In his Superpower Poem, Steve Gross states: “Openness to what is can take us far. Suffering is rooted in wanting things to be different than the way they are.”  How true this is, & how grand it would be if we could live each day as small children: open to whatever the day brings, playful & joyful in the opportunities that come, ready for adventure…all simply because they’re trusting in the good things they know their parents have prepared. “It isn’t that I cling to Him, or struggle to be blessed. He simply takes my hand in His, & there I let it rest. So I dread not any pathway, dare to sail on any sea, since the handclasp of my savior makes the journey safe for me” (unknown). It’s safe, we can trust Him…so let’s consider willingly surrendering our expectations to our Lord, & live prepared…to be surprised.