Category: Rest

Feeding on Mystery…

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In 1,000 Gifts, Ann Voskamp explains that the Hebrew word “manna” means mystery. In their wandering in the wilderness on the way to the Promised Land, the food the God of heaven and earth rained down on the Israelites was literally mystery. The sweet manna bread was given purposefully to be only sufficient for one day at a time, keeping the children of Israel continuously dependent on God to supply their each and every need day by day. No matter how many days God provided faithfully for them, they wondered with each new one if He could do it again. So it is for His children today: we are dependent on His provision each and every day. He faithfully provides for our needs, yet we are often filled with doubt that He will do it again. Our lives are full of paradoxes: glories and suffering fall on us all; rain falls on both the just and the unjust. So much is unexplained; our walk with the Lord can be nothing besides a walk of faith. We feed on mystery too.

 

In A Chance to Die, Elisabeth Elliott’s captivating biography of missionary Amy Carmichael, a letter is quoted that was sent to her by her mother. Amy had suffered a fall that caused an abnormal nerve response throughout her whole body. It left her bedridden for the rest of her life. These words encouraged Amy’s remarkable faith and  trust in the Lord that would be an example to many around the world in the coming years:

“He who hath led will lead, all through the wilderness.

He who hath fed will feed.

He who hath heard thy cry, will never close His ear.

He who hath marked Thy faintest sigh, will not forget thy tear.

He loveth always, faileth never, so rest in Him today, forever.”

 

I too, am currently in what could be called a wilderness season; I seem to have lost the path to the Promised Land. Trials of health and loss of career have led me out of Egypt and into a new place of dependence; the path is unknown and seems illuminated only one step at a time. I feed on mystery meted out in doses sufficient for each day. But if I’m wandering in circles through desert, I’m not wandering there alone. God has provided sweet sustenance through His presence and the companionship of true friends. He has fed my soul with beauty and peace; even the prickly cacti bloom in the barren land. I’m reminded of the prayer of George VI at the dawning of a new year:

“I said to the man at the gate of the year: ‘Give me a light, that I may walk safely into the unknown.’ He said to me, ‘Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. It shall be to you better than the light and safer than the known.”

 

And so it is, and so shall it be. We put our hands into the hands of God and feed on the manna of His mysteries. We give thanks for it, break it, share it, and we call it…grace.

“He Restores My Soul…”

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“You don’t have to come, but you always do. You show up in splendor, you change the whole room…”, sings Bethel artist Jonathan Helser in his song “Thank You”. Isn’t this so true? God continually shows up for us, perhaps in unexpected ways, but faithfully filling all those empty spaces that can seem so vacant of presence and the glorious.

 

I’ve always been a person with a very fragile strength. Sometimes it seems I’m a little too frail for this world. I’m empty when it comes to meeting the world’s great need, or to meeting my own brokenness. I don’t have the power to bring myself or anyone else to life….but, God does. He fills me with life and light again and again. My Shepherd satisfies my wants, not just needs, and restores my soul (Psalm 23:1,3). As Lamentations 3:22b reminds us, though we may lament our circumstances and feel sorrow that can dry us up, “His mercies are new every morning.”

 

He doesn’t have to come. God could have chosen to be farther removed from His creation. He could have made us only His servants and not the objects of His affection. Just what did we do to merit all the loveliness there is in this world? David asked in Psalm 8:4: “What is man that you are mindful of him?”. My creator could let my fragile strength and spirits remain depleted. But instead, He refreshes and renews and fills me with each new day; new mercies are offered day by day. He continually offers me Presence and encounters with the lovely and the glorious. “He prepares a table before me….my cup runneth over.”

Defined: Adequate or Inadequate?

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I am a teacher. This is how I’ve defined myself most of my adult life. It’s become not just an occupation, or even a vocation, but also an integral part of my identity. That wasn’t my intention of course, but unwittingly, it’s the identity I chose. Perhaps it’s because I’m single and “my kids” have been just that to me; perhaps it’s the tendency we all have, particularly as westerners and Americans, to let what we do define us. I’m reminded of an English movie I saw recently where two strangers meet and one asks the other, “And what do you do?” The new acquaintance responds, “My, aren’t you sounding American.” In any case, though our actions always speak the truth of our characters, and however much we are shaped by the icebergs of culture around us, I can’t let my career define me.

 

I’ve come up against this rather startlingly in recent months when it became obvious that I was no longer serving or caring for my students as their teacher should, primarily because of health challenges. Leaving teaching behind is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. To be honest, I guess I would say I feel a little groundless now, particularly in responding to the questions that characterize dinner parties.  My aunt has always wisely said it took her a long time to learn we are called human beings and not human doings for a reason. Just why is it so scary for us to offer up ourselves as we are without listing what we are doing and accomplishing? For me at least, it feels insufficient. But God says to me that He has made me sufficient. As Marilynne Robinson once wrote, and as quoted by Nelson Mandela in his inauguration speech:

“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate; our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. You say, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God! Your playing small does not serve the world….and as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously liberate others to do the same.”

I am a child of God, defined only by how He views me: totally right with Him, completely accepted as I am, utterly worthy of dignity and delight. I’m clinging to that these days, trying to learn to see myself through His eyes.

“Jesus, I Am Resting”…

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”Jesus, I am resting, in the joy of what Thou art. I am finding out the measure of Thy loving heart. Thou hast bid’st me gaze upon Thee, and Thy beauty fills my soul, for by Thy transforming power, Thou hast made me whole” (Pigott, Jean; “Jesus, I Am Resting”). This is the first chorus of the famed nineteenth century missionary to China, & founder of the transformative China Inland Mission group,  Hudson Taylor. In the face of grief, after losing his beloved wife, having long suffered heavy criticism and isolation, he wrote to his sister in England that these words were his greatest source of comfort. How difficult it is to be still and to rest in the sovereignty and presence of God, when He has allowed the one you most love to leave your side.

 

I’ve recently made a very personal, and yet public, decision to leave a ten-year career as a public school teacher because of my health. In so doing, I gave up any hope that my life could be easily understood by others looking in from the outside. I’ve been so blessed that there are many family and friends who understand or empathize the intensity of the process I am in, and who have offered me shelter and respite. It feels a bit like I’ve taken a giant leap off a cliff, and mercifully landed on a spacious precipice, but with the vast unknown still before me. I can’t see the next steps, the future is still completely unknown, and yet…it is here, in this place, today, that I must learn to rest. Deuteronomy 33:27 says, “The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” They seem to echo the following verses of this great hymn, and prompt me to fix my gaze on God alone:

 

“Simply trusting Thee Lord Jesus, I behold Thee as Thou art,

and Thy love, so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart.

Satisfies its every longing, meets, supplies, its every need.

Compasseth me round with blessings, Thine is love indeed.

Ever fix my gaze upon Thee, as I work and watch for Thee.

Resting ‘neath Thy smile Lord Jesus, earth’s dark shadows flee.

Sunshine of my Father’s glory, brightness of my Father’s face.

Keep my ever resting, trusting, Fill me with Thy grace.”

“Better Is One Day In Your Courts”…

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I live in the most beautiful place, in a small town on the western slope of Colorado, at the foot of incredible mountain ranges. Each morning the sun rises in a perfectly azure Colorado sky; each evening, it sets, casting all hues of glory on the tips of the peaks. The shifting of light and shadows on the surrounding hills often overwhelms my senses. In the winter, each summit is capped by the whitest snow, causing bare trees to hang heavy in sparkling filigree; in the summer, inconceivable varieties of wildflowers paint brand new wheels of bold color with each thousand feet of elevation. In the spring, the bright green of the budding trees in the forests takes my breath away; each autumn, their floors, and the mountains in which they dwell, are carpeted by golden aspen leaves and bronzed tundra. The vistas are stunning, the wanderings within their nooks and crannies always seem to hold new revelations for me.

 

I’m so lucky to have lived almost half my life in this incredible region. Every day, I count myself blessed with life and breath and movement, and the gift to live here in this wondrous, lovely place. If I remain here all my days, and spend them exploring the vast ranges and expanses of wilderness, there will still be more that remains unseen. My days have been graced with a quality of life many others desire; I’m filled with gratitude to be able to call it home, to rest here in this place.

 

Though this compelling beauty captivates me daily, it’s just one small corner of earth, just a barely visible dot within our solar system. Yet this place has nothing compared to the courts of God. In Psalm 84:10, the psalmist says “How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty. Better is one day in your courts, than a thousand elsewhere.” We are all invited to dwell there in that glorious place, making our home with Him, for all eternity. We are all invited there now, today, to enter into the fullness of His abiding presence.

Surrendering to Rest …

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I’ve been called particular and highly organized  by some, “persnickety” by my father. My physical therapist once commented on how strongly my body seems to like the predictable. I once joked with a counselor about how my family and friends exaggerated these tendencies by terming them as “OCD: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”. She asked me to describe them and then remarked that she didn’t think the term was an exaggeration at all. Though I was surprised, I shouldn’t be. I like my world in order, and attempt to control what I can. It seems I can take chaos in stride until my physical environment is disorganized, but if it is, at those times, those who know me best know to keep a safe distance. Though it has its advantages, it makes finding rest challenging: it plays out most when it’s the least productive thing for me to do, like when I’m tired. Despite my stubborn resistance, rest is a habit my body demands I learn; I’m learning to let go, or at least practicing.

 

I’ve definitely tried to be a marathon runner in this journey of life, pushed myself to complete exhaustion more times than I care to count. I’m learning, oh so slowly, to become a weightlifter instead. When I’m diligent and following God’s rhythms, I rest after I work, and then to re-apply myself once recharged. For better or for worse, I’m reliant on His strength every hour of every day. As a teenager, I once asked God to do whatever He had to in my life, to keep me dependent on Him. Apparently, He knew my stubborn heart would need a lot of shaping and refining. I definitely didn’t know what I was getting myself into with such a request, but still find myself grateful He faithfully granted its fulfillment. Though at times it’s been painful, it hasn’t been without great reward; I’m blessed that He has given me Himself. I rejoice to sing with Matt Maher, “Lord, I Need You”:

 

Lord, I come, I confess

Bowing here I find my rest

Without You I fall apart

You’re the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more

Where grace is found is where You are

And where You are, Lord, I am free

Holiness is Christ in me