The Sounds of Silence…

Recently, I took a course on nature writing that got me writing, thinking, quiet, outdoors, observing, and appreciating in new ways. Here are a few musings that came out of it…the “sounds” of silence:

 

The creek’s water rushes by where I sit in the meadow, slowed by the dam the ranchers have set to divert its course. Snow runoff continues to crawl and creep down our mountains, though there’s far too little of it this year.

 

A bird sounds from a place I cannot see in the tall cottonwoods that flank the trees. Suddenly, he soars, fearlessly diving into the clear blue sunny sky. I see it is a sparrow’s song that lightened the afternoon.

 

The wind stirs everything around me, from the houndstongue flower and milkvetch grass of the meadow to the shrubs and trees. It winds and wanders its way up to the jagged peaks of the Cimarron Range of the San Juans. These foothills of Chimney and Courthouse Peaks are my home. Here, I return to the sound of a heartbeat that is not my own, yet welcomes me into itself.

 

The wind returns to me, settling in the banks of the river and its trees, stirring my soul. I’m reminded of what Wendell Berry said, “Write a poem that does not disturb the silence from which it came.”

 

*****

 

I journeyed to the lake today in the quiet morning hours.

What a gift to sit on the sunny shore almost alone—

to see the easy morning tide and the ripples on the water,

the light that hits variant colors of stone.

On the rocky banks grow green grasses, weeds, and trees,

mama cottonwoods and their babies. 

I admire those plants that come to thrive 

out of the barren, hard, seemingly lifeless places.

There is life everywhere.

I find one shooting out of both rock and water with baby’s breath flowers,

though my field guide says it is broadleaved pepperweed.

Some “weeds” that grow in our lives seem undesirable at first,

But they bloom and flower and surprise, shading us and others with their leaves.

“I’ll Follow the Sun…”

I’m loving the extra light within each day as summer approaches. Every morning I’m greeted by a stunning sunrise creeping over the jagged mountain peaks, stirring my soul and taking my breath away as it gradually lights and touches them with rainbow hues. But…I should say that’s true–the light stirs my soul and takes my breath away–only if I let it. I must take the moment to breathe deep, to be still, to take in all that goodness–a surprisingly difficult feat. That act of stillness is a gift of kindness I can show myself or share with others. Most days, I drive myself on to the next thing and the next thing without taking the time to stop and accept the series of similar gracious gifts I’m given, forgetting what Mary Oliver says, “Sometimes I need only stand wherever I am to be blessed.” 

 

I’m currently taking a wonderful course from Life is Good Playmakers called “Compassion is a Superpower.” It highlights the fact that human beings are all wired with compassion and empathy but that these are qualities that can be controlled. We can each either choose to repress them, as we often do out of busyness, or cultivate them. Yet the simple act of being PRESENT, opening our eyes to truly see those around us, can help us to show more empathy and grow the quality of compassion. Research has shown that different areas of our brain respond and grow as a result. Learning about this science takes me back to the importance of breathing to slow down each day, reminding myself that life is not an emergency. 

 

Another study I’m doing highlights verse six of the Twenty-Third Psalm: “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.” As author Jennifer Rothschild says, this promises us that “…goodness and mercy invade every scene of our stories” (emphasis mine). Jennifer also asks, since that is the condition we are being left in, do we also allow goodness and mercy to follow us when we leave a room or an interaction? I want to live slowly and intentionally enough that this is true. I also know that I can’t give what I don’t have. If I am to show empathy towards others, I must first allow enough space and grace in my life that I can practice self-compassion. An unknown author encourages us, “Validate humanity without highlighting brokenness.” What an important practice in both the way I treat myself and others.

 

I want to “Follow the Sun,” as Xavier Rudd sings:

 

 

“So follow, follow the sun…

The direction of the bird,

The direction of love.”

 

 
When I think of living in the light, I think of living in the full-fledged Presence of God. Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote, “Earth’s crammed with heaven, and every common bush afire w/ God; but only he who sees takes off his shoes.” If that’s true, I aim to walk barefooted through this one great life we’ve been given. I hope I can stay with this thought from Max Lucado: “Next time a sunrise steals your breath or a meadow of flowers leaves you speechless, STOP, remain that way. Say nothing and listen as heaven whispers, “Do you like it? I did it just for you?”

“Invincible Summer in the Midst of Winter…”

Okay, so it’s late April and  officially spring, but in southwestern Colorado, it can be hard to tell in the month of April. Admittedly, we’re officially spoiled here–our state sees the sun shine an average of 360 days per year. This month, a couple hours a day is often all we get. The wind, cold, icy rain, and occasional snow give it the unmistakable feel of ongoing winter. With a global pandemic and the isolation of sheltering in place, it’s easy to let the doldrums of the season overcome. 

And yet, the red-winged blackbirds who arrived over a month ago sing their spring song and balance on the thinnest of branches regardless of the storms. They remind me of the thoughts of great thinkers of long ago. Albert Camus wrote, “In the midst of winter, I finally discovered that deep within me lies an invincible summer.” Transcendentalist Henry David Thoreau encouraged, “Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of each.” What lovely reminders that wherever we’re at, there are pleasures and beauty to be found and enjoyed, moment by moment. Summer can always be cultivated within us.

In my own winter mentality moments, I continue to grieve for the loss of a career I loved due to poor health. Although it’s been a couple of years since I quit teaching full-time, I struggle to find my place in the professional world. For the second year in a row, I applied for a job I hoped might be the solution and didn’t get it. As I lamented to a friend the difficulty of no longer being valued or known in this professional realm, she reminded me of the TRUTH. I am absolutely valued and known, seen and heard. My God has not forgotten me and will walk with me through this season. Psalm 18:19 assures me He brings me out into a place of abundance because He delights in me.

 
In Lamentations, the prophet Jeremiah, writing in a time of great personal and societal suffering, said, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness (Lam. 3:22-23, NIV). Brother Lawrence, a saint of old, saw all men like trees in winter, stripped of color, leaf, and anything of value–yet loved unconditionally. Though I am a humble tree in winter, struggling toward warmth and light, I will “…live this season as it passes…” knowing “…within me lies an invincible summer.”

“Abiding…”

As nice as it can be to adventure, travel, and see new or favorite sights, it’s always wonderful to come HOME. Our homes provide us with shelter and resources, offering us the comfort of familiarity, simultaneously reflecting the individuality and commonality within our shared humanity. We choose our dwellings in the places we love and surround ourselves with friends and family who provide us with affection, companionship, and safety. 

 

Apart from the physical places we inhabit, we are also invited to another. In John 15:9, Jesus tells us that as the Father loves Him, so He has loved us, and invites us to ABIDE, to make our home, in His love. Wherever I’m at, He offers me “…a place where I can enter and be at rest, even when all around me is a sea of trouble” (Andrew Murray). His love and presence are unconditional and unfailing. As Deuteronomy says, “The eternal God is our refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”

 

This invitation reminds me of a favorite love song, one that describes the heart of my abiding God even better, “To Make You Feel My Love.” Bob Dylan wrote:

 

“When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

 

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

 

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I’ve known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

 

I’d go hungry, I’d go black and blue

I’d go crawling down the avenue

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

To make you feel my love

 

The storms are raging on the rollin’ sea

And on the highway of regret

Put your hand in mine and come with me

I’ll see that you don’t get wet

 

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn’t do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love.”

 

Within the heights & depths of our human experience, we may feel unseen at times, regardless of who we share our lives with tangibly. God sees and surrounds us with His Presence. He unfailingly goes behind & before us. He hems us in (Psalm 139:6), lives with us, loves us, sees us, understands us. He is THE ultimate Witness to each of our journeys. As the Psalmist proclaims:

“You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in-behind and before me…. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far ends of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.  If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light becomes night around me,” even the darkness will not hide me, the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created me in my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:3-5a,7-13, NIV).

Let us accept Jesus’ invitation to share our respective & collective journeys with Him. “Remain in Me, & I will remain in you” (John 15:3). In celebration of this gift, we can rejoice with the cry of the disciple John: “How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (I John 3:1, emphasis mine).

“Always We Begin Again…”

As I walked my dogs the other morning, I looked out onto a world made new. The crisp azure sky highlighted jagged mountain peaks covered in a dazzling fresh coat of snow. Cat Stevens’ song rang out in my mind, “Morning has broken, like the first morning. Blackbird has spoken like the first bird. Praise for the singing, praise for the morning….” Creation is continually sustained and remade, just as we are.

 

The new year and decade remind me that no matter where we’re at, whatever regrets we have or roads we may wish we had taken in the past, whatever has us feeling trapped or stuck, it’s always possible to find redemption for the areas in which we fall short and start over. As the great poet Rainer Maria Rilke prompted, “Let us believe in a long year that is given to us new, untouched, full of things that have never been.”

 

Leeana Tankersley writes about the prayer of St. Benedict used to call the saints of old to the holiness of repetition, “Always we begin again.” As an intention for each new year, day, or moment, it reminds us that all of life is about the openness for continual renewal. As Tankersley writes, “…that’s what so much of life is–learning how, and learning how again, over and over.”

 

Colombia has one of the oldest standing guerilla armies in the world and a long-standing internal conflict that has killed hundreds of thousands, affecting over nine million. Executive Jose Miguel Sokoloff and a group of peacemakers led their native country in transformation over several years during the holiday season.* Initially, they covered a path from the jungle where the guerillas hid with Christmas lights and left a message stating, “If Christmas can come to the jungle, you can come home. Demobilize. At Christmas, everything is possible.” The message worked and soldiers began to lay down their arms. The next year, Sokoloff’s group put bouncy balls that lit up into the rivers with personal messages inside from families who had soldiers fighting. Several soldiers a day returned home. Eventually, as many as 17,000 laid down their weapons. 
If this kind of societal transformation is possible, what is conceivable within our own individual stories? Will we allow the things that break our hearts to also crush our spirits? Will paths that fizzle out become dead ends or opportunities to forge a new road? Will each new day be a reminder of the time we’ve lost or of all that awaits? Emily Dickins exhorted, “The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience…DWELL IN POSSIBILITY.” If we are open-hearted and open-minded, willing to embrace a life that will consistently surprise us and a Creator that will continually transform us, the possibilities are endless. We can always begin again.

*(1) Lisa Shipley, “Christmas after Christmas: How a Colombian ad exec helped demobilize guerrillas by advertising peace,” The Bogota Post, December 3, 2017.

“Be Like the Bird…”-

We all have times where it feels like the ground is falling out beneath our feet, when everything solid that we know suddenly disappears. The things we thought were firm and sure supports either cease to bear the full weight of our lives, become disconnected from one another, or crumble completely—our foundations are revealed to be faulty. As believers, we know that God is the only sure base, Christ is the Solid Rock, but our own expectations & experiences become subtly intermixed. 

 

Just as the birds, whose mothers often nudge or even push them out of the nest, these times are necessary if we are ever to find our wings. Victor Hugo has a poem that describes this well, & encourages us to find a song in the midst of this scary process of learning to fly: “Be like the bird who, halting in flight, on limb too slight, feels it give way beneath him, yet sings, knowing he hath wings.” Our worlds may shatter & our backs may buckle & our feet may falter, but the One who watches over us has not ignored our fall. Instead, He has equipped us with both wings and songs. 

 

A dear friend recently sent me a quote by Og Mandino that beautifully describes what it means to live with this kind of bravery:

 

“I will greet this day with love in my heart. And how will I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love and be born again. I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness as it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.” 

 

Just like the birds who learn to soar through the very experience they initially avoided at all costs, the experiences & skills we gain through the storms of life can offer such freedom. Though we are grounded earthlings, that will not always be the case; shouldn’t our human experiences include both flight & joyous song? Though the wind may blow and the limbs beneath us may give way, because God has offered us His everlasting embrace, we are safe.

Framing through Attitude…

Many things are a matter of perspective. Our point of view often frames our experience, though life would have us believe we are victims of circumstance. Regardless of what we have suffered or the hands we have been dealt, we always have a choice over our attitudes.

 

In one of my all-time favorite quotes, author and pastor Charles Swindoll states:

 

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company…a church….a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude…I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.”

 

Kristene DiMarco of Bethel Worship has a song entitled, “I Am No Victim” in which she proclaims this:

 

“I am no victim, I live with a vision. I’m covered by the force of love, covered in my Savior’s blood.

I am no orphan, I’m not a poor man. The Kingdom’s now become my own, and with the King, I’ve found a home.”

 

Kristen continues by assuring us, “He’s not simple reviving, not simply restoring. Greater things have yet to come.”

 

How wonderful to believe that the best is yet to come. 

 

One of my favorite bands, The Head & The Heart, echoes this sentiment in their spellbinding song “Library Magic” with the hopeful cry:

 

“I can see the sunshine rays gleaming through the clear waters,

Telling me you gotta hop in for this chapter’s ride.

There will always be better days….”

“Just Another Ordinary Miracle Today”

For the second time this year, my husband has undergone major surgery. The last time, it was an emergency situation that caught us both by surprise, almost took his life, and required a month of living in the hospital. This time, we planned for the follow-up reversal surgery. Though I feared our lives would spin out of control again the moment we stepped into the hospital, things went far better than expected. They found few symptoms of his auto-immune disease, he required no time in ICU, and we left after a stay of three short days, with the doctors and nurses amazed at his rapid healing.

 

I wish I could say it hadn’t come as a surprise to me. It’s true–I’ve prayed and believed for his healing many times over the past several months. Apparently, however, there were places of disbelief I held back. The moments I allowed my fear to be bigger than my faith are greater than I would like them to be. This experience, as well as others, provides a lesson in POSITIVITY. An unknown quote posted on my wall encourages me to become a “possibilitarian.” Eventually, gradually, purposefully…I hope and will work for conversion.

 

To ground myself, I remember the cadence of gratitude that came after a month in the hospital last spring: 

  1. Sleeping and waking up in our own bed, not to mention getting to sleep in the same bed.
  2. Cooking and eating our own food…mmmm…though I’m sure my husband will occasionally miss those mystery meat patties from the hospital.
  3. Looking out at the mountains instead of concrete and highway traffic.
  4. Sitting in the sun instead of a hospital bed as the sound of windchimes replaces hospital alarms. 
  5. Being outside and breathing fresh air with our dogs, enough to bring us both to tears! 
  6. Being able to sit on our couch without constant interruptions from the IV monitor or those we affectionately called the “cuddle police” at the hospital.
  7. Hot showers.
  8. Better sleep. No more daily or 4:30 am IV draws or middle of the night interruptions. 
  9. No more 6:30 am visits from the team of doctors, though we are thankful for the care they provided.
  10. Returning to life, not as we knew it, but some semblance thereof. 

 

Sarah McLachlan’s beautiful song, “Ordinary Miracle” reminds us that each day is full of these possibilities:

It’s not that unusual

When everything is beautiful.

It’s just another ordinary miracle today.”

“Come Rain or Come Shine…”

“Come Rain or Come Shine” was Billie Holiday’s song, & no one sings it like she did. Only she could so soulfully, so sweetly, so gently sing the words to what each & every one of our hearts long to hear from our beloved:

 

You’re gonna love me, like nobody’s loved me, come rain or come shine.

High as a mountain, deep as a river, come rain or come shine.

 

It’s such a beautiful song, & what an amazing promise it offers, but…do the words carry any truth? Is it really possible to find that elusive love, or even to faithfully offer it to another?

 

Though all good relationships are proved in their ability to weather the storms mentioned in this song, few in this world come close to dwelling in that symbiotic state where love is given & remains unfailing…always, forever. Life can be beautiful when we find love, but it can be messy too, just as anything involving human beings is. Our love falls short of being perfectly patient, kind, unconditional or selfless. Only through Jesus do we experience the satiating love whose width & breadth & height & depth all surpass our understanding. All tangible glimpses we are given here somehow first flowed from His throne. 

 

The love & friendship He offers us is truly incomprehensible to the human mind, truly intimate. Casting Crowns sings about the extravagance of His love

 

“Your love is extravagant, Your friendship intimate.

Spread wide in the arms of Christ, is the love that covers sin.

 No greater love have I ever known than You considered me a friend.

 You’ve captured my heart again.”

 

God knows our every flaw & failure, & loves us still, more than we can fathom. There is no fear in His love, for no matter what we do, He could never love us more or less than He already does. His love is already that complete. Zephaniah 3:17 tells us that He takes great delight in us, quiets us with His love, & rejoices over us with singing. 

 

His Word is His love letter to us, & His creation continually plays the melody of His song. In the words of John Denver in Annie’s Song, we could, in turn, say of our Lord:

 

You fill up my senses, like a night in the forest, like the mountains in springtime, like a walk in the rain. 

Like a storm in the desert, like a sleepy blue ocean. You fill up my senses. Come fill me again.

Come, let me love you. Let me give my life to you. Let me drown in your laughter, let me die in your arms.

Let me lay down beside you, let me always be with you. Come, let me love you, come love me again.

 

We are made new in relationship with Him. We receive the love He has for us, but we also receive His ability to offer that heart to the world. An old poem by an unknown author says: “I love Thee Lord, but with no love of mine, for I have none to give. I love Thee Lord, but all the love is Thine, for by Thy love I live. I am as nothing, & rejoice to be, emptied & hollowed & swallowed up in Thee.” By His grace, we can boldly sing to my Saviour, Friend, Father & Beloved: 

 

“I’m gonna love you, like nobody’s loved you, come rain or come shine.

High as a mountain, deep as a river, come rain or come shine.”

“Feeding on Mystery: The Table Before Me…”

We all know it to be true…our lives can change in an instant, in a single breath. Some years crawl and plod on with seeming monotony, yet each day holds wonders untold. Then there are the days where something shifts. For better or worse, the unexpected comes. At times, among those surprises are the things we’ve long hoped and prayed for, revealing the unbelief that resided in our hearts all along. At others, unspoken fears are realized or loss we never imagined possible occurs. We must find ways to accept life’s ambiguity and mystery in order to find happiness and peace.

 

In her stunning book 1,000 Gifts, Ann Voskamp provides an eloquent exposition of the Hebrew word manna, meaning, “What is it?” As the Israelites exited their time of slavery in Egypt and began their desert journey to the Promised Land, God rained down manna bread from heaven to nourish them each day. Though plentiful, they couldn’t store it up—each family could gather only what it could eat in a day and must trust God’s provision would be there again the next day. Though delicious, this was to be their sustenance for forty years—meal after meal, day after day. Amazed at first by the miracle God faithfully performed on their behalf, the Israelites cried out in wonder, “What is it?” But as the days and years of wandering in a barren place wore on, their amazement soon turned to grumbling.

 

This is so true in my own life. At first, when God provides for me in the dry places, I’m inclined to see His hand and marvel at His goodness and might. As time goes by, however, my eyes are blinded to the countless ways He works on my behalf. Contentment soon changes to dissatisfaction. I grow tired of feeding on mystery and desire to simply understand the purpose of it all.

 

In Psalm 23:5, David writes, “He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” There’s never a shortage of enemies in life, though they come in many forms. The promise, however, is that there is always a table prepared for ME in His presence. I don’t expect or desire it to be filled with mystery, with provisions that are difficult to identify. But so it is. God asks me to take the bread He has given, that He has been broken in order to break with me, and to call it grace. And so I will.

 

The following verse of Psalm 23 states, “Surely goodness & mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.” Though unknown, though highly unpredictable…surely good things are in store. As Albert Einstein said, “There are two ways in which you can live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle, or you can live as if everything is a miracle.” 

***Photo Credits: lovedoes.org