Category: Mystery

“There’s Just Something About That Name…”

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For the past year or two, my toddler daughter has been obsessed with the Gaither Trio’s song “There’s Just Something About That Name.” My mom introduced it to her and we’ve listened to it on repeat so much at bedtime that I made it into the Gaither’s “Top 100 Listeners” last year. 

Although I’ve always loved the song, at this point, it would be tempting to grow a little weary of it. Because of its powerful message, however, I know I can’t allow that.

“Jesus, Jesus, Jesus–well there’s something about that Name.

Master, Savior, Jesus–like the fragrance after the rain….

Kings and kingdoms shall all pass away, but there’s something about that Name.”

Indeed, there’s something about the name of Jesus–a name that has called and captivated me all my life, as it has many others. Despite sufficiently challenging personal circumstances throughout the majority of my time here, Jesus continues to call out my trust and because He holds my heart. 

I love that it is the same for my daughter. Already, approaching the age of four, she has very sincerely invited Him into her heart. She speaks of Him constantly, with awe, but also as though he is her friend and confidante. May I continue to do the same.

Jesus–the Son of God who came to earth to live as man and lead a blameless life, who suffered an unjust punishment so that He could bear the weight of all our sins on the cross, who endured suffering and persecution though He is King and Ruler of all. Jesus. As Isaiah the Prophet foretold, 

“For a Child will be born to us, a Son will be given to us;

And the government will [arest on His shoulders;

And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

Eternal Father, Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6, NASB). 

One day, every knee will bow before Him and we will all worship forever before Him in awe of His power and holiness, but most of all, of His love. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus–there’s just something about that Name.”

We Serve…

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Life is always such a glorious, yet difficult mix of things. I have a temperament that struggles with navigating these complexities. As my all time favorite literary and film character, Anne of Green Gables and Avonlea says, “I can’t help but soaring up on the wings of anticipation, only to come crashing down into the depths of despair.”  Whether because of innate personality or learned responses to experiences or both, I tend to ride the roller coaster of life feeling deeply every bump, climb, curve, and fall.

Recently, I’ve soared because I was granted a home in the town that I love. The ability to sign its contract came about through several miraculous events. My friends’ extreme generosity in assisting with the total cost ultimately made it possible for a single mother and teacher to live in an expensive mountain town. The amount of money needed was inconceivable to me, so I feel very blessed and grateful to be able to raise my daughter here and stay in this community that I’ve loved for over a decade and a half.

At the same time that this came about, I’ve been extremely physically sick and have also needed to walk through more of the complex and weighty realities of divorce. Allowing my toddler to spend the night with her dad and away from me feels as if a piece of me is literally missing. Although I know I played a role, I had no control over so many realities that brought us to this place, and there are so many things in the present and the future that I am also unable to control. For myself, that is one thing, but when it impacts my child, it is quite another.

Yet to all my joy and worries and fears and complaints, a very dear friend responded simply, “We serve a God who is in charge of all things.” I must admit that her response felt a little callous. Deep down, I knew she wasn’t being dismissive of my pain. As a devoted mother, compassionate friend, and faithful follower of Christ, I knew she empathized with my struggles. It felt extremely difficult, however, to hear this hard truth shared in response to my heartbreak. I imagine the twelve disciples often felt this way when Jesus shared life-shattering truths with them. Yet how could He offer anything other than Himself? 

I know that many people experience much more difficult things than I have, awful things that defy my comprehension and cause most people to deny that God is at work for their good. I don’t know how to explain those events nor all the circumstances in my life that have worn and torn out my heart. 

But we serve God, He does not serve us, for He is God and we are not. In His supreme, complicated, and glorious sovereignty, it is He who permits, and orders all things. No matter how awful or hard it feels, we must trust that it is God who is shaping us, who is constantly simultaneously at work for our good and for His glory. 

As Bebo Norman wrote and sang in THE HAMMER HOLDS, 

“So dream a little dream for me in hopes that I’ll remain. 

And cry a little cry for me, so I can bear the pain…. 

My dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds.”

“To Soar on Shifting Sand”

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I’m a big fan of the WILLOW TREE figurines by Susan Lordi. Though they’re produced en masse, the originals are simple wood sculptures of people or angels that capture much of the range of human emotion. My favorite is called “SOAR” and features a woman with her joyful face angled towards the heavens, her arms stretched out wide, birds resting upon them.

I bought this figurine a few years ago in a season when I yearned to experience such freedom and needed the daily visual reminder that it was possible to soar. Over the last year, as my bird-loving toddler grows, “SOAR” has unfortunately taken quite a beating. I feel sad when I look at SOAR now, scratched and bruised, missing a hand and one bird, other birds replaced by glue. It feels like I’m in a similar condition. It’s easy to imagine I’m broken beyond repair, grounded for life, or unworthy of public viewing. And yet, I also note that despite how SOAR has been beaten and bruised, her arms are still raised, her face ever victorious and turned towards the sun.

In her book RISING STRONG, author Brené Brown discusses the concept that our culture is one that can value failure IF it leads to victory, but that we also easily gloss over the feelings of defeat, frustration, angst, loneliness, and struggle that so often accompany failure. We often forget that this is a place many of us stay in for a season or seasons, but that it is possible to rise up strong from it. I’m trying to have faith that I can do so too.

Early on in my adult life, I thought of myself as a person of strong faith. Although it was clear I didn’t have the mustard seed size required to move mountains (Matthew 17:20), it felt possible to eventually grow to that level. All it has taken, however, is a series of many trials over the years to knock the wind out of me. I know now that my faith is either non-existent or infinitesimally small. Like the SOAR and Moses, my arms have grown weak and weary and I have often needed others to hold them up. The friends who have done so are a big part of why I’m still holding on in the times when I can’t discern God’s hand or purpose.

If faith “…is like shifting sand, changed by every wave…” as the band Caedmon’s Call sings, perhaps the waves that continue to crash in can continue to shape it and make it something new, something pure and refined, something that isn’t mine at all. As Hebrews 12 says, God is “…the author and perfector of my faith.” Will He ultimately make it full and complete? The apostle Peter also tells us, “But this happened so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, may be found perfect and complete” (I Peter 1:7).

The final word on this subject for me, however, was written by the prophet Isaiah: 

“Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, my cause is disregarded by my God”? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall, but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary.” Isaiah 40: 27-31

“Overwhelmed”—

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If there is one word that describes the past year for me, it is overwhelmed. Like any year, it has held its highs and lows, yet the highs have been higher and the lows lower than most. 

I am loving watching my baby girl grow in her first year of life—there are so many moments where I’m overpowered by love and wonder for the miracle of her. Yet currently, I feel overwhelmed by a multitude of circumstances beyond my control—the loss of a beloved grandfather, struggles with my health, severe illness and surgery for a dear friend, challenges at work and at home, relationship difficulties, and a seemingly futile effort to balance everything well all attempt to prevent me from enjoying this season as I would wish. 

As much as I hate to admit and face learning this truth again, however, I still have a choice in my response to these circumstances. As we all know, the attitude we choose each day ultimately dictates the tone and quality of our experiences.

In that vein, I must also acknowledge the many blessings present in my life, for I am also overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of friends. Dear loved ones have given of their wisdom, resources, time, presence, love, and empathy in this past year in life-sustaining ways. I’ve learned to rely on them. Their examples, generosity, and goodness have changed me.

I’m also overwhelmed by the goodness, grace, and presence of my loving and mighty God. I don’t often understand what He’s up to, but I do know He’s with me and that He fills me over and over again with His strength. As the band BIG DADDY WEAVE sings in their song OVERWHELMED, “I delight myself in You/Captivated by Your beauty/I’m overwhelmed….I’m overwhelmed by You.”

My prayer for this day and for this season is that I would allow myself to be emptied of all the negative emotions that tend to consume me and that I would use that space to be filled with all that is good. May wonder for our great God and His many blessings wash over all of us today.

“In Over My Head…”

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In the old Sandra Bullock movie WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING, the protagonist Lucy begins her narration by stating that her dad had told her as a child that life doesn’t always turn out the way you think it will. She wishes she had realized at the time he was referring to her life. Isn’t that the truth? We all hear similar counsel when we’re young, yet somehow believe our lives will be the exception to the rule. This reminds me of what an old gypsy proverb tells us, “We are ALL wanderers on this earth. Our hearts are full of laughter and our souls are deep with dreams.”

When life takes unpredictable turns or we choose the road less traveled and find that our path has led us in unexpected, even painful directions, disillusionment, even despair, can follow. What can we do with these overwhelming emotions except to look outside of ourselves for answers and peace? 

The only comfort I have found is in God. Though He didn’t promise an easy or predictable path, He did promise an abundant life full of His constant companionship and the strength He provides. Though my emotions and circumstances are constantly in flux, He never changes or wavers. There have been many times it’s been difficult to trust His hand, but He keeps drawing me in, assuring me of His heart and His tender care. Jenn Johnson of Bethel Music sings a song called “In Over My Head (Crash Over Me)” describing a similar journey of faith:

“And you crash over me, and

I’ve lost control but I’m free.

I’m going over, I’m in over my head.” 

These lyrics bring to my mind images and memories of swimming in the Caribbean ocean at high tide. As I head towards the surf and the tide crashes in, I’ll be lost and swept away if I try to fight. The more I’m willing to go with the tide and dive into its depths, however, surrendering to something stronger than myself, the better chance I have of getting to the other side. And on the other side, a view like none other awaits…a multi-colored horizon, a clean slate, a new beginning.

In “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever,” the band Delirious? sings,

“Over the mountains and the sea,

Your river runs with love for me,

And I will open up my heart and let the Healer set me free.

I could sing of your love forever….”

The sea is His love. Up to now, I’ve done little more than dip my toes in its water or wade in ankle deep. Today, I wade in and surrender. I release my expectations of what life is or will be and cling to His strong arms. May His goodness lead me in over my head and to the other side.

“No Hard Feelings” (Avett Brothers)…

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I recently watched a documentary about Audrey Hepburn. It wasn’t the first I’ve seen about an amazing actress and humanitarian I’ve long admired for her beauty, grace, joy, and sweetness. The documentary featured an interview with her in her later years in which Audrey was asked how she maintained her positivity in the face of the loss and hardship she had experienced in life, particularly during her youth when she lived, and nearly starved,  in Nazi-occupied Holland during World War II. Audrey responded that she had always felt that life gives us a choice…we can choose to embrace it with all its complexity, or to reject it with all the consequences that will follow that attitude.

How true that is! Life is complex, ever offering a mix of loveliness and ugliness, joy and grief, happiness and hardship. Though our individual journeys vary widely, we all wade through our own circumstances in their seasons–no one rides for free. And yet, despite all that is out of our control, there is so much for which we can claim ownership. First and foremost among these are our attitudes and ways of engaging in the world.

Chuck Swindoll once said, “The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

The Avett Brothers have a beautiful song entitled “No Hard Feelings.” The authors ponder how they will leave life when it is time, asking, “When my body won’t hold me anymore and it finally lets me free, will I be ready?” What will our attitudes be when our bodies fail and give up our battles to accomplish and own and succeed? The authors determine that their goal is to leave life and embrace what lies beyond “…with no hard feelings.” They sing,

“Under the curving sky, I’m finally learning why,

It matters to me and you, to say it and mean it too,

For life and its lovely nest, and all of its ugliness,

Good as it’s been to me, I have no enemies.”

May we all have the ability to embrace the paths before us and accept life and ourselves, in all their complexities and imperfections, with no hard feelings.

“A World Made, Yet Being Made” (John Muir)…

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Snow falls gently again today after a weekend that brought a foot of snow. I look out the windows past my Christmas twinkle lights and the silver star that tops the tree, seeing and seeking a world made new. What a wonderful God we have–a God who brings beauty from ashes and makes all things new. I think of the many situations in my life that have seemed hopeless, yet through it all, God made a way.

John Muir said that we live in a world made, yet being made. Our awesome God is Creator and Sustainer of the earth. Yet in His great wisdom and affection for us, He has allowed us to play a role.Paradoxically, we all carry both beauty and brokenness within us. We live in a fallen world, yet we bear the image of a perfect God. Endless choices of what we will reflect are before us. In God’s Kingdom, we can choose to allow Him to redeem us, our surroundings, and our circumstances. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Though we travel the world to find the beautiful, we must carry it within us, or we find it not.”

An encounter with creation is always an encounter with its Creator. In God’s mysterious glory, He meets us there and allows us to come to His feet in whatever condition we are in. He has made us, yet we are being made. Whatever our journey, He is our Emmanuel, God present with us. And as the apostle Paul declared in Romans 8, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” 

In The Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, author Annie Dillard sought to observe and experience the marvels and mysteries of nature. She wrote, “I am prying into secrets again and taking my chances. I might see anything happen. I might see nothing but light on the water. I walk home exhilarated and becalmed, but always changed, alive. ‘It scatters and gathers, Heraclitus said, ‘It comes and goes.’ And I want to be in the way of its passage and cooled by its invisible breath.”

We may feel we have nothing of significance to offer the world, but God says differently by choosing to create and sustain our lives. Nelson Mandela used the following quote from author Marianne Williamson in his inauguration speech, 

“It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

In this season that holds the darkest days of the year, yet one in which we celebrate the coming of the light of Christ the Messiah, may we each choose beauty…to let our own lights shine in the places we inhabit.

Call to Wonder…

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As I drove home a couple of nights ago, a pink-orange sky bathed the rugged snow-capped mountains and low-hanging clouds in mystical light. The scene took my breath away. I thought of a card a dear friend once gave me for my birthday that pictured a little boy, mouth agape, gazing out the window at a newborn bird. The caption said, “Never lose your sense of wonder.” What a privilege to marvel again and again at God’s creation and this wonderful wild land where we live. As John Muir said, “Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul…. All that sun shines on is beautiful, so long as it is wild.”

As my husband and I await our first baby and stand in awe at this miracle of life developing each week, I am awakened once again to this Christmas season of wonder. I marvel at our creative Creator and the artistry with which he put together the world and each miraculous, unique life to grace it. Though this past year has been one to remember for all of us–a friend told me she’s heard 2020 will be the new swear word–I’m astonished at all the ways, big and small, our great God has provided for us within the storms.

In her many books and blogs, author Ann Voskamp invites us to offer a song of gratitude each day for every grace we are given. In Unwrapping the Greatest Gift she states, “You were formed to have front-row seats to waves hugging the shore, to trees touching the sky, to stars falling across the night–the whole of the universe falling in love with God…. You could unwrap the wow today just by going to the window. By going to the front door, to the park, to the backyard, or to the top of the highest hill you can find–standing there and staring and being wowed by the shape of the clouds or the color of the sky or the size of the sun when you hold up your hands.”

Edith Wharton, first woman to win the Pulitzer Prize for literature, has a quote I adore about how this kind of spirit can even keep you young. She said, “There’s no such thing as old age; there is only sorrow. In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.”

As we do the work of remaining alive and curious and grateful, may we be assured with the knowledge that regardless of what storms may come, we will never be alone on our journeys. As Lamentations 3 and the great hymn say, “Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand has provided, Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.”

Let’s Be Still…

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The past few weeks, I’ve been in a season of mandated rest. Thank God. This is what my body, mind, and spirit have craved for years, yet somehow, it’s a place I could not arrive at by myself. Why must I be forced to do what I most crave? A wonderful question, but still, undeniably true. I needed the help of being temporarily unemployed and recovering from unexpected minor surgery to get here, but alas, here I am at last.

 

I’ve learned to make my coffee and sit outside in the morning sun to read…to rest at midday…to walk more slowly and take in more of my surroundings and schedule fewer things…to quite sooner and push less. I can’t fully express how good it feels to give myself a little bit of breathing room and to have the gift of being able to do so. Not everyone gets this and I know I won’t always have it, so I am soaking it up with as much gratitude as I can muster.

 

Leeana Tankersley, an author I’ve been reading a lot of lately, writes about learning to be a companion to yourself. This is the art of treating yourself kindly, as you would a dear friend, instead of punishing, criticizing, and bullying yourself, as so many of us are prone to do. It’s occurred to me in this time that the driven pushing that is so much a part of my perfectionist personality is a part of that adversarial relationship with myself that I would love to leave behind. How do I learn to do this? Perhaps the answer is, at least in part, more simple than I expect…through stillness and breath. In her book, Breathing Room, Leeana Tankersley writes:

 

“The human body’s urge to breathe is irrepressible and essential. When we hold our breath, we begin to feel a pain inside our chest…called our critical line…. Our body tells us it’s time to exhale. Only then can we take in the air we need.  ‘As it turns out,’ a breathing researcher writes, ‘the opposite of holding your breath isn’t inhaling, it’s letting go.’ ”

 

So this is the key to providing the way to the spacious place in which I want to dwell—letting go. May it be so, and if only it could be as simple as saying it. I know each day I will need to teach myself anew to breathe, exhale, and let go in the moments where I most want to cling and tighten. The more that I practice, quieting my heart and opening my eyes to the beauty around me, the easier it becomes. As C.S. Lewis said, “The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing…to find the place where all the beauty came from.”

 

My favorite band, The Head and the Heart, sing a song that captures it well called “Let’s Be Still:”

 

The world’s just spinning a little too fast

If things don’t slow down soon we might not last

So just for the moment, let’s be still

Embracing Uncertainty…

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Kenko said, “The most precious thing in life is uncertainty.” That’s not quite how I would have phrased it. I might have said the greatest certainty of life is uncertainty or that it is the most difficult thing to accept, but the most precious thing? Really? That certainly puts things in a new light and gives me much to ponder.

 

A dear friend who lost her mother last week and her father just a few years before told me that the more she lives the more she realizes how much we have to cherish each day, for our lives can change in an instant. She’s also battled cancer and knows this all too well. On a national level, we see this in a country suddenly inflamed with acts of racial hatred and violence the likes of which we haven’t seen in over fifty years. Another beloved friend received devastating news about her husband’s health a few days ago. My heart breaks for them and I know that God weeps with me. What a paradox that the God who sits on the throne with all things under His feet allows these hard things yet comes to sit on the floor with us and help us (Leeana Tankersley). 

 

Events such as these remind us that control is an illusion. There are few things in life that we truly have authority over–our attempts at striving to control have limited if not damaging results. Author Leeana Tankersley writes, “Urgently fixing is not acting out of wholeness, it’s acting out of brokenness…. Working hard and working out of a place of anxiety are not the same thing…. If you can’t breathe, stop. Never move or act out of that place. Wait until you can breathe.”

 

One of the most life-changing lessons I have received is from author Brené Brown in The Power of Vulnerability where she offers ten guideposts for wholehearted living:

 

  1. Cultivating authenticity and letting go of what people think;
  2. Cultivating self-compassion and letting go of perfectionism;
  3. Cultivating a resilient spirit and letting go of numbing and powerlessness;
  4. Cultivating gratitude and joy and letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark;
  5. Cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison;
  6. Cultivating play and rest and letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol;
  7. Cultivating calm and stillness and letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle;
  8. Cultivating intuition and trusting faith and letting go of the need for certainty;
  9. Cultivating meaningful work and letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”;
  10. Cultivating laughter, song, and dance and letting go of being “cool” and always in control.

I notice that to cultivate each of these wonderful and admirable qualities requires letting something else go. In order to inhale love and light, we must exhale all that would lead us toward darkness. As Leeana writes, “We let go with a long, forceful exhale so we can get what our soul really needs on the inhale: space, love, broad grace, therapy…. And watch [Him] be God. Watch [Him] set a table of glory. You show up and let [Him] show off…. All other ground is sinking sand.”