Category: Interruptions & Invitations

“If I Could Just Sit With You Awhile…”

sparrowsong2 Comments

Despite my best intentions to be present and stay balanced, the hustle and bustle of life inevitably draws me in. Just a few extra commitments or stressors within the week can overwhelm. Instead of operating from a place of calm or sitting with the anxiety in a productive way that would move me forward, I often revert to striving and dwelling in a state of near panic.

Part of this is a natural introversion. When exhausted and overwhelmed, it’s only through quiet alone time that I recharge and recenter. But feeling groundless also means that I have lost the deep connection with my Saviour that nourishes and sustains me day by day. In busy times, I’m often still sitting down to be with God in devotions, albeit for less time, but struggle to free my mind and heart from all that weigh on them. The to-do list presses in on the time my soul most needs. 

Songwriter and singer Dennis Jernigan has an older song called, “If I Could Just Sit with You Awhile.” In it, he discusses the merits of getting quiet with Jesus when life’s demands and concerns press in. Though reading the Word and praying are normally the ways I do this, with a crowded mind, just getting still and turning up the worship music works best. Sometimes, I picture crawling up in the lap of my Good Father and being welcomed into His arms. If I meditate on this, all else fades. As Dennis Jernigan sings, 

“If I could just sit with you awhile,

If You could just hold me.

Nothing could touch me,

Though I’m wounded, though I die.”

Oddly enough, when I’m craving life, death is often what’s needed. To return to a state of peace, I must die to the pride I take in completing things well or keeping up or even reaching out to others. I cannot pour out until I allow the Holy Spirit to pour into me. Once I’m filled by Him and resting in His presence, just as the song says, nothing can touch me. The act of surrender returns me to equilibrium.


In her book CAPTIVATING, Stasi Eldridge explains that most women struggle with the simultaneous yet competing ideas that they are both not enough and too much. This resonates with me. But would I struggle if I didn’t buy into the lies that I should attain perfection in so many different areas of life? Instead, I must surrender the ideal and accept and embrace what IS. I must forgive myself for falling short and give thanks to the One who lived and died in perfection for me. Then, my weary soul can breathe easy, for it isn’t all up to me. I will focus on loving God and allowing Him to use me to love others, but trust it is ultimately His work. After all, as the Apostle Paul says, I am only a jar of clay.

The Dance of Surrendered Faith…

sparrowsong3 Comments

Sometimes living feels like a bit of a tightrope walk, doesn’t it? There are so many keys to staying the course and living life well. We need to be strong, but not hard or callous. We should be fun and relaxed, but also hard-working and disciplined. Flexibility is a must, but so is holding to and protecting our boundaries. There are rules that must be followed and those that, at least on occasion, appear to be made to be broken. Our culture sends us a whole slew of confusing messages on a daily basis, something that feels especially true for women. 

A friend said to me recently, “What a crazy dance life is.” She’s right, at least based on my experience–there is a great deal of craziness that keeps us spinning. But if it’s a dance, then there’s beauty in that, for dancing involves music, steps, rhythm, and hopefully, a fun partner who gently leads. Dancing can be a celebration. Entering in means embracing it for what it is, choosing to be led, choosing to be joyful in it.

Of all the crazy dances or tightrope walks in this world, one that I find the most challenging is the balance between faith and surrender. Jesus tells us that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed, we can tell a mountain to move and it will. He also tells us, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find…” (Matthew 7:7). Paul and other apostles applauded men like Abraham who, “…human reason for hope being gone, hoped in faith.. as he had been promised” (Romans 4:18). So, for example, I can pray in faith for God to heal me, believing that He can at any moment, but I must also walk in complete surrender, trusting Him to do His will. No matter how things appear, I believe that He is always at work for my good and for His glory.

Jesus tells us that as His followers we must take up our crosses daily and follow Him, that whoever desires to keep his life must lose it. Brother Lawrence, a saint of old, encourages us, “Complete surrender to God’s will is the only sure road to follow. In it, there is always enough light to assure safe travel.” We are told in the first chapter of Ephesians that we are seated with Christ in the heavenly realms and that, “…God placed all things under His feet and appointed Him to be head over everything for the church.” He has given us authority over all the things that trouble and plague us here on this earth, yet we’re also told that for a little while we must suffer. What a crazy dance life is.

In her book, When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chödrön expresses it this way, “…We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and they fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all this to happen, room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy…. Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all” (p. 9). 

Christ holds out His hand and asks, “May I have this dance?” I accept His invitation and embrace the journey. I surrender and make space, that I may be open for all that comes next, however unknown it may be.

*Photo Credits: lovedoes.org

The Sounds of Silence…

sparrowsongLeave a comment

Recently, I took a course on nature writing that got me writing, thinking, quiet, outdoors, observing, and appreciating in new ways. Here are a few musings that came out of it…the “sounds” of silence:

 

The creek’s water rushes by where I sit in the meadow, slowed by the dam the ranchers have set to divert its course. Snow runoff continues to crawl and creep down our mountains, though there’s far too little of it this year.

 

A bird sounds from a place I cannot see in the tall cottonwoods that flank the trees. Suddenly, he soars, fearlessly diving into the clear blue sunny sky. I see it is a sparrow’s song that lightened the afternoon.

 

The wind stirs everything around me, from the houndstongue flower and milkvetch grass of the meadow to the shrubs and trees. It winds and wanders its way up to the jagged peaks of the Cimarron Range of the San Juans. These foothills of Chimney and Courthouse Peaks are my home. Here, I return to the sound of a heartbeat that is not my own, yet welcomes me into itself.

 

The wind returns to me, settling in the banks of the river and its trees, stirring my soul. I’m reminded of what Wendell Berry said, “Write a poem that does not disturb the silence from which it came.”

 

*****

 

I journeyed to the lake today in the quiet morning hours.

What a gift to sit on the sunny shore almost alone—

to see the easy morning tide and the ripples on the water,

the light that hits variant colors of stone.

On the rocky banks grow green grasses, weeds, and trees,

mama cottonwoods and their babies. 

I admire those plants that come to thrive 

out of the barren, hard, seemingly lifeless places.

There is life everywhere.

I find one shooting out of both rock and water with baby’s breath flowers,

though my field guide says it is broadleaved pepperweed.

Some “weeds” that grow in our lives seem undesirable at first,

But they bloom and flower and surprise, shading us and others with their leaves.

Embracing Uncertainty…

sparrowsong1 Comment

Kenko said, “The most precious thing in life is uncertainty.” That’s not quite how I would have phrased it. I might have said the greatest certainty of life is uncertainty or that it is the most difficult thing to accept, but the most precious thing? Really? That certainly puts things in a new light and gives me much to ponder.

 

A dear friend who lost her mother last week and her father just a few years before told me that the more she lives the more she realizes how much we have to cherish each day, for our lives can change in an instant. She’s also battled cancer and knows this all too well. On a national level, we see this in a country suddenly inflamed with acts of racial hatred and violence the likes of which we haven’t seen in over fifty years. Another beloved friend received devastating news about her husband’s health a few days ago. My heart breaks for them and I know that God weeps with me. What a paradox that the God who sits on the throne with all things under His feet allows these hard things yet comes to sit on the floor with us and help us (Leeana Tankersley). 

 

Events such as these remind us that control is an illusion. There are few things in life that we truly have authority over–our attempts at striving to control have limited if not damaging results. Author Leeana Tankersley writes, “Urgently fixing is not acting out of wholeness, it’s acting out of brokenness…. Working hard and working out of a place of anxiety are not the same thing…. If you can’t breathe, stop. Never move or act out of that place. Wait until you can breathe.”

 

One of the most life-changing lessons I have received is from author Brené Brown in The Power of Vulnerability where she offers ten guideposts for wholehearted living:

 

  1. Cultivating authenticity and letting go of what people think;
  2. Cultivating self-compassion and letting go of perfectionism;
  3. Cultivating a resilient spirit and letting go of numbing and powerlessness;
  4. Cultivating gratitude and joy and letting go of scarcity and fear of the dark;
  5. Cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison;
  6. Cultivating play and rest and letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol;
  7. Cultivating calm and stillness and letting go of anxiety as a lifestyle;
  8. Cultivating intuition and trusting faith and letting go of the need for certainty;
  9. Cultivating meaningful work and letting go of self-doubt and “supposed to”;
  10. Cultivating laughter, song, and dance and letting go of being “cool” and always in control.

I notice that to cultivate each of these wonderful and admirable qualities requires letting something else go. In order to inhale love and light, we must exhale all that would lead us toward darkness. As Leeana writes, “We let go with a long, forceful exhale so we can get what our soul really needs on the inhale: space, love, broad grace, therapy…. And watch [Him] be God. Watch [Him] set a table of glory. You show up and let [Him] show off…. All other ground is sinking sand.”

“Invincible Summer in the Midst of Winter…”

sparrowsong1 Comment

Okay, so it’s late April and  officially spring, but in southwestern Colorado, it can be hard to tell in the month of April. Admittedly, we’re officially spoiled here–our state sees the sun shine an average of 360 days per year. This month, a couple hours a day is often all we get. The wind, cold, icy rain, and occasional snow give it the unmistakable feel of ongoing winter. With a global pandemic and the isolation of sheltering in place, it’s easy to let the doldrums of the season overcome. 

And yet, the red-winged blackbirds who arrived over a month ago sing their spring song and balance on the thinnest of branches regardless of the storms. They remind me of the thoughts of great thinkers of long ago. Albert Camus wrote, “In the midst of winter, I finally discovered that deep within me lies an invincible summer.” Transcendentalist Henry David Thoreau encouraged, “Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of each.” What lovely reminders that wherever we’re at, there are pleasures and beauty to be found and enjoyed, moment by moment. Summer can always be cultivated within us.

In my own winter mentality moments, I continue to grieve for the loss of a career I loved due to poor health. Although it’s been a couple of years since I quit teaching full-time, I struggle to find my place in the professional world. For the second year in a row, I applied for a job I hoped might be the solution and didn’t get it. As I lamented to a friend the difficulty of no longer being valued or known in this professional realm, she reminded me of the TRUTH. I am absolutely valued and known, seen and heard. My God has not forgotten me and will walk with me through this season. Psalm 18:19 assures me He brings me out into a place of abundance because He delights in me.

 
In Lamentations, the prophet Jeremiah, writing in a time of great personal and societal suffering, said, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness” (Lam. 3:22-23, NIV). Brother Lawrence, a saint of old, saw all men like trees in winter, stripped of color, leaf, and anything of value–yet loved unconditionally. Though I am a humble tree in winter, struggling toward warmth and light, I will “…live this season as it passes…” knowing “…within me lies an invincible summer.”

“Welcome It All…”

sparrowsong2 Comments

Uncertainty clouds these present days…times unprecedented for many generations. Few of us could have foreseen our entire nation on high alert due to a dangerous new pandemic virus. The citizens of many states have orders to shelter in place, everything from schools to salons to government offices are shut down, and the majority of those who still have employment work from home. It’s easy to see that if nothing else, the economic ripples will be far-reaching. In all likelihood, far more will be affected.

It’s no wonder why the natural response of many is to panic. Reactions range from everything like hoarding toilet paper and Tylenol to becoming agoraphobic. Though I’m feeling increased anxiety these days, I’m also continually reminded, more than anything else, to breathe. Author Brené Brown says that according to her research, the majority of those who live wholeheartedly are “obnoxious breathers.” Though stated comically, I believe it’s true. Regulating our nervous systems often takes so much intentionality that it can come across that way. But the more we can keep ourselves from reacting emotionally, even naturally, in difficult situations by stopping to take a few deep breaths, the better chance we have of responding with equanimity.

 

In the first episode of her new podcast, “Unlocking Us,” Brené also discusses that when transitioning into difficult new seasons, experienced adults know that as hard as it is, the only way to get to the other side is to push through. As we do this, however, it’s crucial we take the time to name the difficulty of what we’re doing. Only then can we get to the place where we can embrace where we’re at without burying resentment and frustration.

 

For example, while sheltering in place and working from home, screens seem to await me at every turn. Work requires being on my computer eight hours a day, something my spine finds very difficult. Everything from church to medical visit to most shopping now come online. Connecting socially most often means texting, phoning, or Facebooking. Although I initially felt grateful to have these opportunities, I must admit, I’m finding tele-connecting difficult and far from authentic. 

 

But on a cool windy day this week, it dawned on me that spring arrived with the equinox earlier this week. The birds arrived weeks ago, baby calves play on a neighboring field, and neither seems to realize we’re in the midst of a pandemic. On a whim, I grabbed my gardening gloves, a spad, a bag of potting soil, and a few plants that needed repotting. We all went out into the sun embracing it along with the bitter wind. I closed my eyes and decided, as Father Thomas Keating once wrote, I would, “Welcome It All:”

“Welcome, welcome, welcome [it all]…I welcome everything that comes my way today because I know it’s for my healing….I let go of my desire to change any situation, condition, person, or myself. I open to the love and presence of God and God’s action within it.”

 

For an hour or so, I immersed my hands in earthy soil and attempted to give the beautiful living plants I’ve been given more space to stretch their roots and GROW. ITs was a wonderful reminder of BEAUTY and LIFE, a gentle nudge to get off all the screens as much as I can and nurture the things that provide me with sustenance and rest. I love Eugene Peterson’s translation of Matthew 11:28-30 in The Message: “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

 

Jill also sings this invitation in her song, “I AM:” 

 

“The tide can change so fast, but I will stay the same through past, the same in future, the same today

I am constant, I am near, I am peace that shatters all your secret fears…

Oh weary, tired, and worn, let out your sighs, and drop that heavy load you hold, ’cause mine is light.”

“Always We Begin Again…”

sparrowsongLeave a comment

As I walked my dogs the other morning, I looked out onto a world made new. The crisp azure sky highlighted jagged mountain peaks covered in a dazzling fresh coat of snow. Cat Stevens’ song rang out in my mind, “Morning has broken, like the first morning. Blackbird has spoken like the first bird. Praise for the singing, praise for the morning….” Creation is continually sustained and remade, just as we are.

 

The new year and decade remind me that no matter where we’re at, whatever regrets we have or roads we may wish we had taken in the past, whatever has us feeling trapped or stuck, it’s always possible to find redemption for the areas in which we fall short and start over. As the great poet Rainer Maria Rilke prompted, “Let us believe in a long year that is given to us new, untouched, full of things that have never been.”

 

Leeana Tankersley writes about the prayer of St. Benedict used to call the saints of old to the holiness of repetition, “Always we begin again.” As an intention for each new year, day, or moment, it reminds us that all of life is about the openness for continual renewal. As Tankersley writes, “…that’s what so much of life is–learning how, and learning how again, over and over.”

 

Colombia has one of the oldest standing guerilla armies in the world and a long-standing internal conflict that has killed hundreds of thousands, affecting over nine million. Executive Jose Miguel Sokoloff and a group of peacemakers led their native country in transformation over several years during the holiday season.* Initially, they covered a path from the jungle where the guerillas hid with Christmas lights and left a message stating, “If Christmas can come to the jungle, you can come home. Demobilize. At Christmas, everything is possible.” The message worked and soldiers began to lay down their arms. The next year, Sokoloff’s group put bouncy balls that lit up into the rivers with personal messages inside from families who had soldiers fighting. Several soldiers a day returned home. Eventually, as many as 17,000 laid down their weapons. 
If this kind of societal transformation is possible, what is conceivable within our own individual stories? Will we allow the things that break our hearts to also crush our spirits? Will paths that fizzle out become dead ends or opportunities to forge a new road? Will each new day be a reminder of the time we’ve lost or of all that awaits? Emily Dickins exhorted, “The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience…DWELL IN POSSIBILITY.” If we are open-hearted and open-minded, willing to embrace a life that will consistently surprise us and a Creator that will continually transform us, the possibilities are endless. We can always begin again.

*(1) Lisa Shipley, “Christmas after Christmas: How a Colombian ad exec helped demobilize guerrillas by advertising peace,” The Bogota Post, December 3, 2017.

“Be Like the Bird…”-

sparrowsong3 Comments

We all have times where it feels like the ground is falling out beneath our feet, when everything solid that we know suddenly disappears. The things we thought were firm and sure supports either cease to bear the full weight of our lives, become disconnected from one another, or crumble completely—our foundations are revealed to be faulty. As believers, we know that God is the only sure base, Christ is the Solid Rock, but our own expectations & experiences become subtly intermixed. 

 

Just as the birds, whose mothers often nudge or even push them out of the nest, these times are necessary if we are ever to find our wings. Victor Hugo has a poem that describes this well, & encourages us to find a song in the midst of this scary process of learning to fly: “Be like the bird who, halting in flight, on limb too slight, feels it give way beneath him, yet sings, knowing he hath wings.” Our worlds may shatter & our backs may buckle & our feet may falter, but the One who watches over us has not ignored our fall. Instead, He has equipped us with both wings and songs. 

 

A dear friend recently sent me a quote by Og Mandino that beautifully describes what it means to live with this kind of bravery:

 

“I will greet this day with love in my heart. And how will I do this? Henceforth will I look on all things with love and be born again. I will love the sun for it warms my bones; yet I will love the rain for it cleanses my spirit. I will love the light for it shows me the way; yet I will love the darkness for it shows me the stars. I will welcome happiness as it enlarges my heart; yet I will endure sadness for it opens my soul. I will acknowledge rewards for they are my due; yet I will welcome obstacles for they are my challenge.” 

 

Just like the birds who learn to soar through the very experience they initially avoided at all costs, the experiences & skills we gain through the storms of life can offer such freedom. Though we are grounded earthlings, that will not always be the case; shouldn’t our human experiences include both flight & joyous song? Though the wind may blow and the limbs beneath us may give way, because God has offered us His everlasting embrace, we are safe.

“Just Another Ordinary Miracle Today”

sparrowsongLeave a comment

For the second time this year, my husband has undergone major surgery. The last time, it was an emergency situation that caught us both by surprise, almost took his life, and required a month of living in the hospital. This time, we planned for the follow-up reversal surgery. Though I feared our lives would spin out of control again the moment we stepped into the hospital, things went far better than expected. They found few symptoms of his auto-immune disease, he required no time in ICU, and we left after a stay of three short days, with the doctors and nurses amazed at his rapid healing.

 

I wish I could say it hadn’t come as a surprise to me. It’s true–I’ve prayed and believed for his healing many times over the past several months. Apparently, however, there were places of disbelief I held back. The moments I allowed my fear to be bigger than my faith are greater than I would like them to be. This experience, as well as others, provides a lesson in POSITIVITY. An unknown quote posted on my wall encourages me to become a “possibilitarian.” Eventually, gradually, purposefully…I hope and will work for conversion.

 

To ground myself, I remember the cadence of gratitude that came after a month in the hospital last spring: 

  1. Sleeping and waking up in our own bed, not to mention getting to sleep in the same bed.
  2. Cooking and eating our own food…mmmm…though I’m sure my husband will occasionally miss those mystery meat patties from the hospital.
  3. Looking out at the mountains instead of concrete and highway traffic.
  4. Sitting in the sun instead of a hospital bed as the sound of windchimes replaces hospital alarms. 
  5. Being outside and breathing fresh air with our dogs, enough to bring us both to tears! 
  6. Being able to sit on our couch without constant interruptions from the IV monitor or those we affectionately called the “cuddle police” at the hospital.
  7. Hot showers.
  8. Better sleep. No more daily or 4:30 am IV draws or middle of the night interruptions. 
  9. No more 6:30 am visits from the team of doctors, though we are thankful for the care they provided.
  10. Returning to life, not as we knew it, but some semblance thereof. 

 

Sarah McLachlan’s beautiful song, “Ordinary Miracle” reminds us that each day is full of these possibilities:

“It’s not that unusual

When everything is beautiful.

It’s just another ordinary miracle today.”

“Thoughts of God…”-

sparrowsong1 Comment

Solomon tells us in Proverbs 23:7 that, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.” The apostle Paul encourages us in Philippians 4:8 to think on whatever things are true and just and lovely and honorable. With hundreds, even thousands, of thoughts entering our minds each and every hour, these verses are among the greatest challenges offered to us, yet also numbered in the most vital to our well-being.

 

How easy it is to allow our thinking to become negative or fixated on difficult circumstances–how natural to let unforgiveness or bitterness creep in! If our minds focus on such things, however, our hearts and speech overflow. As the modern saying goes, “What we focus on, grows.” I have been guilty of focusing on my own circumstances and pain recently–perhaps always, and I have seen the poor fruit resulting.

 

Words from an old friend call to me, “Genuine faith does not look at itself–it looks at God. When I feel in pain, the enemy is trying to get me to look at myself and look away from my Healer. When I feel insecure, then the enemy is trying to get me to look at myself and will remind me of my failings. So instead of trying to have more faith, I will try to look to Christ–remembering all His perfection, faithfulness, and goodness…. And I am in Him.”

 

Right thinking is one of the only sure foundations for living but it seems a monumental task. So how do I get there? As my friend encourages, I must focus on my Healer instead of the challenges at my doorstep or the ache in my heart or the pain in my body. I’m often reminded of King Jehosaphat’s story in II Chronicles 23–even when the circumstances are insurmountable, gratitude, praise, and prayer are always my way out. Author and researcher Brené Brown finds that the simple daily practice of keeping a gratitude journal is one of the biggest factors in cultivating the wholehearted attitude of gratitude. Spending time in God’s Word and in worship daily mold us into the image of Christ. The little things we do every day really do make a huge difference in our overall health and happiness.

 

Yet I know that if it’s up to me, my thinking and attitudes will change by small degrees–I’m dependent on the Holy Spirit for deep heart and life transformation. Missionary Amy Carmichael wrote a beautiful poem entitled “Thoughts of God” that begins, “Think through me thoughts of God/ My Father quiet me/ Till in Thy holy presence hushed, I think Thy thoughts with Thee.” He waits for me to surrender in order to be changed, to turn my eyes continually upon Him, but regardless, one thing can never change…I am in Him.

***Photo credits to lovedoes.org